The Good, the Bad and the Really Ugly: Golden Globes 2014 red carpet failures and successes from someone who has absolutely no authority on the matter.
I love awards shows but hate the Oscars and the reasons I don’t like the Oscars are the very reasons that I adore the Golden Globes. One, the Globes don’t take themselves too seriously. Two, they don’t drag on for six miserable hours. Three, they look like they’d actually be fun to attend. Four, alcohol provides for some pretty exciting improvisation on stage (I’m looking at you Sean Combs). Five, the Golden Globes give awards for television and television is the best. Finally, the Golden Globes are just casual enough that the actresses don’t have to all wear floor length ball gowns and the red carpet is usually full of brighter colors and shorter hemlines than any other award show on the circuit. And since I love judging the appearances of women far richer, more talented and better looking than I could ever hope to be, putting together a best and worst dressed list for the Golden Globes is one of the highlights of my year.
This year’s Globes was an especially exciting one for women in Hollywood. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey made sure of that. With the exception of Aaron Paul, the highlights of the evening were provided by women (see Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Emma Thompson and Amy Poehler as Randy Fey-Weinstein) and usually made at the expense of leading men (George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tam Honks). Also, there were a lot of jokes about prosthetic dicks, which was such a refreshing antithesis to Seth McFarlane’s song about boobs.
With Tina and Amy at the helm it was a feminist extravaganza and the likes of Kyra Sedgewick, Robin Wright, Olivia Wilde, Helen Mirren, June Squibb, Melissa McCarthy, Kerry Washington and so many more proved that women of all ages, shapes and sizes and in varying stages of pregnancy are the sexiest, smartest, funniest and all around awesomest thing about Hollywood.
Now here comes the part where I contradict all that wonderful feminist stuff I just said but judging a lot of women based on their appearances!
Lupita Nyong’o is probably the most beautiful woman that ever lived and she’s been killing it on every red carpet she’s been kind enough to grace since 12 Years a Slave first made the rounds on the festival circuit at the end of last summer. That girl knows her skin is a gift and she knows how to compliment it with bright colors. Last night’s dress was no exception. That’s the dreamiest shade of red I’ve ever seen—equal parts tomato, coral and lobster—the kind of color I’d only be brave enough to wear as a nail polish. And you guys, the dress had a cape.
Amy Adams has been attending the Globes and Oscars since Junebug came out in 2005 and I think 90% of the time she’s worn something forest green on the red carpet. Redheads always do that and it’s just as annoying to me as when ingénues wear princess gowns and Anne Hathaway opens her mouth. So you can imagine my elation to see Amy Adams owning not only one, but two shades of red last night, a color everybody always says redheads aren’t supposed to wear. This dress was exactly what I look for in a best actress outfit: uncomplicated yet inventive, understated yet loud and sexy as all hell. Plus it was nice to see Amy incorporate some of the character for which she was nominated (and won!) because we all know that the real star of American Hustle was Amy Adams’ side boob.
Sparkly things are the best, but you know what’s even better than sparkly things? Sparkly babies! God bless Olivia Wilde for this dress. First of all the color suited her perfectly (girlfriend’s got some stunning eyes) and the whole things was so radiant I’m sure it would have been beautiful even in black and white. The hair and make up were great too, but that belly was the accessory that pulled it all together. That big green sparkly belly, easily the best looking pregnant woman I’ve seen at a major award show since Cate Blanchett in 2004. I only wonder if the dress will make her baby gay.
Don’t get mad at me, but I haven’t watched any of Game of Thrones. I’ve read all the books but everytime I try to watch the series I just feel that I’m not ready to revisit all the Stark-related misery. I don’t really have an opinion about Emilia Clarke other than “Hey I like her eyebrows” or “Oh gross, she dated Seth McFarlane.” Now I can add a new one to that list, something along the lines of “She wore that dress with the beautiful black and white print that was inexplicably reminiscent of both florals and polka dots. Also she presented with Chris O’Donnell, who is still really hot.”
Amy Poehler wore at least three dresses throughout the night—one on the red carpet and two during the ceremony—and all looked great, but it was the green number during the opening monologue that really blew me away. The dark teal color made Amy look like she held the record for best hair and best tan and the top made her arms look fabulous. Tina looked great too, but Amy’s dress was something I’d really want to wear myself, if I could ever garner enough courage (or spanx) to wear a sheath dress.
I could not care less about the Miss Golden Globe tradition but the way the Bacons presented their daughter was pretty cute. I can always appreciate a “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” refrence. I could not get over how hot Kyra Sedgewick is. I hope I look that good when I’m almost 50 but come on. Who am I kidding? I’ve never had a body that banging. Color was a big star last night and Kyra’s look employed a gorgeous coral that was accentuated by her turquoise earrings and straight-up perfect blonde curls.
Y’all, if you’re not watching Orphan Black you’re wasting your life. Tatiana Maslany is the Beyoncé of Television; her performances on that show are so powerful it’s hard to believe a single human delivered them. I loved this look. Boring at first glance, the dress was actually pretty exciting, somehow reminiscent of both the heaviest chain mail and the softest gauze. Plus, the hair was lovely and that lipstick shade was perfect.
Okay, this look was kind of an emotional roller coaster for yours truly. When she first emerged onstage it looked like she was wearing a giant red onesie and my friends and I were so excited we nearly ready to renounced all worldly pleasures and declare our love for Emma, and Emma alone. Then we realized it was a two-piece dress/leggings combo and we decided to stay fans but to put all plans for Watsonian monkhood on the backburner. Let this be a lesson to all ingénues: you don’t have to wear a boring gown (cough cough…Amber Heard) you can be unconventional and daring and complicated and you can wear pants!
I have to put her on here because she had sparkly palm trees on her dress and they were the exact same color as those beautiful honey eyes.
Now this one is a bit of a kerfuffle. I first saw the dress on TV and I lurved it. I’m a sucker for colorblock and the pink and blue seemed vibrant without being nauseating. Plus, it was a super flattering cut, as SB’s dresses usually are (like she needs it, that bitch). It seemed like a nice take on red carpet ballgown motif, elegant yet youthful, conventional yet eccentric. Just like our Sandy! But when I looked at an arrivals photo I became confused and upset. This dress was way shinier than I thought and the colors bordered on pastel. Overall, it looked like a prom dress I might’ve purchased at David’s Bridal in 2003 if I’d had the budget for it, which I didn’t by the way. Thanks Dad.
Jen, I love you. I love you so much I made it through almost half of The House at the End of the Street, and it’s because I love you that I have to speak up. I know you’re exhausted after nearly two years of nonstop movies and press tours but that’s no excuse to show up in your bed sheets. You look like one of those paper tube things that British people rip open on Christmas day (which Google is now telling me is called a Christmas cracker) and…oh wait, now I’m picturing your hot British boyfriend ripping this off of you at the end of the night and…yeah, whatever. Do what you want. I’m sorry I doubted you, bb.
I almost put Lena Dunham on my worst dressed list, but I think was doing that mostly because I don’t like her and not because the dress was that bad. In fact, the color was kind of nice. It made Lena’s skin look terrible, but Jessica Chastain wore a similar color to the People’s Choice Awards last week and I loved it, so I can’t give Lena too much shit. It was a fine dress, but it shouldn’t have been so long and it definitely shouldn’t have been a fishtail cut. Also, Lena I applaud you for never playing into Hollywood’s bullshit, but sometimes it’s okay to wash your hair.
This looks like a dress that is breathtaking in person, an intricately crafted piece of couture, a work of art twice as expensive as my college education. But on camera is just looks like a black dress, a boring black dress that’s sort of awkward around the midsection. This is an example of a beautiful dress can be a terrible choice for the red carpet. Also, I’m pretty sure I last saw that hairstyle in a cutoff tee and jorts behind the wheel of a camaro in 1991.
Yes, I’m jealous that Emma Stone can wear a drop waist. I have always wanted to wear one but my ass just won’t allow it. Still, even if I could, I would never wear a drop waist dress as awkward as this one, which was really just three unfortunate dresses forced to spend time together when they really don’t get along. Also, Emma Stone is way too skinny these days. Why do they always do this to promising young actresses?!
Julia darling, if you learn anything from tonight’s event take a lesson from Kyra Sedgewick and Robin Wright: just because you’re an older woman in Hollywood, it doesn’t mean you’ve got to cover up. So why are you wearing a button-down oxford under your dress? You look an expensive napkin.
This print looks like something one would buy as a throw at Tuesday Morning.
Mila Kunis is as bad an actress as this is a dress, which is to say that the dress is nice to look at but it also makes me cringe. It entices with glitz and nice curves but there’s nothing too special about it. It looks spiky, like it could slice you up as violently as Mila chewed scenery in Oz the Great and Powerful.
That is a slip, not real clothes.
Julie, put your velvet-satin dress away! It’s not the holiday season anymore and you’re not a ten-year-old going to mass.
I stopped loving Heidi Klum when she stopped loving Seal, which I always felt guilty about because I had no justification for ditching her. Until now, that is. Now I dislike Heidi Klum because she wore a choker and negligee on the red carpet and she looks like she reads Twilight and cloaks herself in a CVS bodyspray called “Forbidden Fruits.”
Why did Paula wear her bedding as an outfit last night? Dear god, no one hold a black light to it.
You are one tall drink of water and you could wear a burlap sap and make it look elegant, but you can’t wear someone’s Valentine’s Day decorations and not look like an uncomfortable 6-year-old.
Hayden Paniettiere is the best thing about Nashville but this outfit and hairstyle is the worst thing about Hayden Paniettiere.
I will always admire Zoe Saldana for never wearing anything bland. Even during her first year on the award show circuit after Avatar, she made loud choices and steered clear of the boring ball gowns that many actresses hide behind when they first come on the scene (again, cough cough Amber Heard). That bravado produces its share of successes (like these two) but there have been even more failures, and this year’s Globes dress was one of the worst. Listen Zoe, I loved my Bedazzler too, but I’m not trying to bring that look back anytime soon and neither should you.
- Kerry Washington looks as beautiful in this dress as she does in Fitz’s arms
- “Alright, Alright, Alright!” I’ve adored Matthew McConaughey for as long as I can remember and I’m glad the Hollywood Foreign Press is finally catching on. Now go watch Killer Joe and True Detective immediately.
- Ooh Reese Witherspoon I like how you’re pretending to be playful in this Julia Louis Dreyfus sketch after you pulled the “Do you know who I am?” card last year. We all know you’re really a bitch, bb—a bitch that looks damn fine in turquoise.
- Drew Barrymore is definitely the only person in Hollywood that could wear an ancient Japenese cherry blossom painting and make me love it as much as I do.
- This is the most awkward photograph of Zooey Deschanel that has ever been taken.
- I want to marry Spike Jonze then have a threesome with Emma Thompson.
- But really y’all, Hayden Paniettiere is the best thing about Nashville.
- Oh no Amber Heard caught Angelina Jolie syndrome!
- Listen, there were a lot of foxy pregnant women on the red carpet this year so can we all agree that the term “baby bump” is the worst thing ever? “Baby lump” and “baby hump” are way funnier.
- The dress was a little much but I really really love Caitlin Fitzgerald’s shoes.
- Joanna Newsom looked absolutely ridiculous but I think that’s how people who play the harp are supposed to dress. Also, her smile during Andy Samberg’s acceptance speech was too cute.
- THIS. Forever and always, amen.